I can’t believe that it’s been over a year since I posted anything on here. We have passed a lot of milestones this past year and most days, time flies by. I can’t really explain why, but this evening I have been thinking a lot about my blog and my previous blog posts and felt the need to write again. It’s probably the fact that Carter’s third birthday is a week away. It’s also probably that our family has gone through some big changes the past few months (new job/daycare…nothing else notable) that we are still adjusting to.
First, let’s talk about my new job. This past spring, I decided to apply for a counseling position that would get me closer to home (and where I’d earn a considerably higher salary) and in a great school district (previous district was great too). Shockingly enough to me (self-confidence isn’t always at its strongest for me), I actually got the job. I am thrilled. It’s a MUCH bigger high school (“only” about 1,200 more students than my previous position), but I’m enjoying my new co-workers and getting settled into things. My previous school was like a home to me. I know that sounds SO corny, but it’s true. I miss my friends/coworkers there SO much. I guess more than anything, I miss the security I felt with all of those individuals. I literally grew up in my previous position. My former coworkers saw me through my awkward early/mid-20’s, saw my many, many online dating relationships begin and end (yes, there were a lot), saw me meet my future husband, attended my wedding, threw me a baby shower, attended that baby’s funeral, comforted me for months and months and months following that loss, threw me another baby shower, and wished me well when I decided it was time to move on. Part of me felt SO much guilt for leaving all of those wonderful people behind. Even though I know they supported me, I still feel such a sense of allegiance to them, that it’s still sometimes hard to believe that I left. I feel as though I’m settling into my new position pretty well and learning the ropes. It will take some time before I learn all the ropes, but I’m learning them…slowly, but surely.
In addition to me starting a new position, Madelyn also started to daycare for the first time. We were lucky enough to have a nanny come to our house for Madelyn’s first year, so sending her off to daycare was a big deal in our house. Thankfully, we were able to take her to the same school that my husband’s sister’s kids have gone to. That has made her transition go seamlessly for all of us. She LOVES it. I got to take her to school a couple of days last week when Jeff was gone, and it seriously melted my heart to see how excited she was to get out of the car and walk herself into daycare. Even though she LOVES it, she still gives me the biggest “MOMMY!” and hug every day when I go to pick her up. I try to soak in all of these moments, well, because that’s just what you have to do.
In just a week, Carter should have been celebrating his third birthday. How did that happen? Gosh, I wonder what types of amazing things he would be doing at this age. We are blessed to be friends with two different couples that have sons 4 and 7 days younger than Carter, so for me, it’s like I see a little piece of Carter when I see those boys. It’s fun for us to see first hand what he “might” have been like. This past weekend we were with one of those couples at the Strike Out SIDS at the K event at a KC Royals game and it was so much fun being around both of their kiddos but especially their little guy. We are so thankful that they have stuck with us through our loss and haven’t let it scare them away. I haven’t allowed myself to cry about Carter for a really long time – well in excess over a year I would say – but I allowed myself to cry a little bit that evening. My friend and I were talking that evening about how we remember the week Carter was in the hospital like it was yesterday. Even all this time after the fact, I can still replay every moment from those 9 days in my brain like it was yesterday. I often wonder if that will ever change. I wonder if I will ever be able to think about going to Nashville again without wanting to puke. I wonder if I will ever be able to think about September 30-February 18 without replaying every single moment of Carter’s life in my brain. I’m sure there will come a time for all of this, but I’m not quite there yet. I’m sure there will also come a time where I don’t think about all of this and just want to binge on cookies, but unfortunately, I’m not quite there yet right now either. Let’s hope that passes soon, though, because I’m pretty sure none of my long pants are going to fit me! 🙂 Next Tuesday, if you think about it, please say a little prayer for our sweet Carter and for our little family.