Monthly Archives: April 2013

A Mother’s Love…and other random thoughts…

After Carter was born, I remember thinking that I couldn’t believe how quickly I fell in love with him.  You carry a child for 40 weeks, but until you actually hold them in your arms you can’t quite understand the magnitude of a mother’s love.  You know that you’ll love them, but just how much, you won’t know until that child is put in your arms for the first time.  Then, instantly, you can’t imagine your life without them.  It becomes absolutely unbearable, the thought of not having that child in your life any longer.  When you have a second child, you wonder just how in the world you could love the second as much as the first…how can you have that much love to give?  But you do.  Instantly.  I know I mentioned in a previous post how I had stated in the month before Carter died that if anything ever happened to him, I didn’t know how I’d go on.  Well, unfortunately, we had to go on living without him.  It’s a kind of pain and emptiness that you just can’t explain.  Now, we have Madelyn.  Our sweet precious little girl.  I can’t imagine life without her.  The pain of losing Carter is still there and we think about him constantly.  Even if we don’t talk about it, it’s there.  I pray to God every day that we don’t have to know what it’s like to experience life without her.  What will be, will be, and we can’t go through life living in fear every single day, but that thought is always in the back of your mind when you’ve lost a child.  When is “it” going to happen?  I just hope and pray that we’ll grow old with our sweet Madelyn and get to experience all the things with her that we don’t get to experience with our sweet Carter.

Carter-MadelynMadelyn will be 6 weeks old tomorrow.  I can’t believe how quickly time is going by already.  I know, everyone says that, but it’s so true.  I feel like the older I get, the faster time goes by.  I’m not going back to work until August when school starts again and I just know that it’s going to be here before we know it.  I look back through my pictures of Carter that I have on Facebook on a very regular basis as I’m sitting with Madelyn in her room at night feeding her.  I have a picture of him at three weeks where I said the same thing…time is going too fast.  I’ve only broken down a couple times since she’s been born and it’s been in those moments…either looking at his pictures or just remembering our time with him.  I just want to soak in every single moment with our sweet girl.  I’m not going to lie and say everything is perfect all the time with her…she has her moments where she doesn’t want to sleep when we want to sleep or she wants to eat sooner than I think she should be eating…but overall, we have been blessed with ANOTHER very laid back, easy going, amazing baby.  I just want to soak up every moment with her and not forget a thing about our moments together.  The past few weeks I really feel like Madelyn has taken on more of Carter’s look (although the picture to the left you can see the resemblance and she was only days old and he was only a couple weeks old).  I guess I didn’t really notice it until we were at Jeff’s parents house on Easter and their pictures were next to each other on the refrigerator, so I snapped a shot of them…  Many others have also noticed that she is increasingly looking like him especially if they haven’t seen her in a couple weeks.  I’m so glad that they resemble each other, and I’m SO glad Madelyn was blessed with a good head of hair (for now) just like her brother (shallow, I know, but true).  🙂

I’m surprised to say that 6 weeks out and we haven’t used the Snuza monitor yet.  I’m not quite sure what we’re waiting on.  I haven’t felt nearly as anxious as I expected to since we have had Madelyn home.  Many nights I’ve said I was going to put it on her and then we get her in her PJs and all swaddled up and then I guess I get too lazy to redo all that.  As the weeks go on, though, I do feel myself getting a little bit more anxious.  When she naps, I find myself checking her breathing a lot more than I previously did.  I guess maybe it’s time to give the monitor a go!

Carter and Madelyn's chests

Carter and Madelyn’s chests

In a previous post, I mentioned a cedar chest that we will keep many of Carter’s precious belongings in.  My younger brother made the cedar chest for me when he was in high school (I restained it after Carter was born to match the rest of the furniture in his room).  Through the years it held photographs and many other odds and ends that I didn’t have room to store elsewhere.  Now it holds many of our precious belongings of Carter’s.  We have some dear friends that had a chest made for Miss Madelyn to store some of her belongings in and they gave it to us last night.  I had to hold back tears as I read the inside cover of the chest…  What a special gift that Jeff, Madelyn and I can cherish forever.  So sweet and thoughtful…

Inside of Madelyn's chest

Inside of Madelyn’s chest

I’m completely aware of the fact that this blog post has kind of been all over the place…that is the story of my brain recently.  I no longer can call it pregnancy brain, so it’s new mom brain instead.  🙂  Please continue to pray for Jeff, Madelyn and I as we continue this journey without her big brother.  I love both of my babies more than words can even express and I can’t wait to see what is in store for our beautiful little girl.  I pray that her big brother will watch over her and protect her.