Two weeks ago we reached a milestone that was difficult to reach. It marked the one year “angelversary” of Carter’s death. It was hard that day not to think about what we had been doing a year prior. That was the last day we got to hold Carter in our arms. We took turns holding him, reading him books, playing with his hair and giving him kisses until he took his final breath. It’s nothing any parent should ever have to experience. It’s something we will never forget as long as we live. It’s nothing you can even come close to understanding unless you’ve walked in our shoes. It’s nothing I would wish on any friend or any enemy. No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a child.
As most other milestone days have been, that day wasn’t as bad as I had worked it up in my mind to be. I was busy with doctor appointments, a lunch date, and naps. The day was kind of a dreary one. As I left the doctor’s office that morning, I had to choke back tears when I walked outside and it was raining. Why did something so silly as raindrops make me want to cry? It seems silly, but that day, I guess, I associated those raindrops with Carter’s tears. It was like he was saying “hey mom, I miss you too.” The clouds eventually cleared that day for the most part but it was quite windy. We met a few friends and some family at the cemetery that afternoon to release some balloons, but the wind was so strong that some of the balloons didn’t make it past some nearby trees. The majority, though, drifted off into the clouds and I’m certain they found their way to Carter and his friends up in Heaven.
Jeff and I are about to reach another milestone in our lives tomorrow. Tomorrow we will welcome Carter’s sister into this world. To say that we are excited would be an understatement. I think we both are greatly looking forward to having a baby in the house again. As I’ve mentioned before, this time around it comes with so many other feelings that we didn’t have before. I mostly am afraid that something is going to happen to baby girl too. I’m sure everything will be fine, but I’m not nearly as naive as I was the first time around. We have our Snuza monitor ready to go, so hopefully that will offer us some peace of mind once we are home and let us get some sleep.
Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming weeks and months as we start this journey into parenthood again. We can’t wait to meet our “rainbow baby” tomorrow morning and to hold her in our arms. I’m so excited to see what she looks like. Will she look like Carter or will she look totally different? How much hair will she have (doctor says she has hair)? Will it be a massive amount like Carter or just a little tiny bit? How big is she going to be? All questions by this time tomorrow morning, we will have answers to. We both can’t wait to hold her in our arms and give her all the love we have to give. We know Carter will be there with us and will be his sister’s guardian angel.