A year later…

One of the last pictures I took of Carter. All smiles with Daddy.

One year ago on this date was the last day my sweet little Carter smiled at me.  It was the last day he gave me a little coo before I left the house that morning.  Because of the many people that worked to get his heart started again after he was found unresponsive while napping in the crib at daycare that day…his daycare provider, her daughter, her doctor friend, the paramedics and the ER crew…we were able to spend 9 days with Carter at Children’s Mercy before they determined he had too much brain damage to survive without machines.  I still feel as though those 9 days were a blessing.  We were able to love on him.  To give him kisses.  Read him books.  Tickle his feet.  Hold his hands.  Kiss his sweet little toes.  But ultimately, we would never bring him home again.  Today is the start of what I expect to be a tough 9 days.  I hope it won’t be as bad as I think it will be…much like the other days that I’ve dreaded…but we shall see…

We will try to focus on the positive memories we had with our baby boy in the short four months that he was with us.  He brought us so much joy.  From his cute little smile.  To his absolutely crazy hair.  Jeff and I were such proud parents and so lucky for him to be our wonderful baby.  I won’t lie, though, and say that it won’t be difficult to focus on the positive in the coming days.  I still can’t help but wonder “why”.  Why did this happen to us?  What did we do that was so awful that we deserved to lose OUR baby?  Why couldn’t we spend our entire lives with him?  I just don’t understand.  And I know I never will.  It’s not fair when I see children with people who should NOT be parents, who are mistreated and neglected…why do THEY get to have kids but we lost our precious baby.  I obviously wouldn’t want anything to happen to their children but hopefully you know what I mean.  It just sucks.

In some ways, the past year has flown by.  In others it has gone so slow.  Jeff and I have missed our sweet boy so much.  Even as we look forward to the arrival of his baby sister in just a few weeks, we still long to have him back in our arms.  Losing a child changes your perspective on life so much.  You realize what is important in life.  You realize that all those stupid little things you used to get worked up about, don’t get you worked up any more (or not quite as worked up anyways).  You realize that your day could be worse, so I’m going to take this in stride.  I still find myself getting annoyed with people posting comments on Facebook such as “this is the worst day ever” or “my life sucks” and it’s because Target was out of their favorite deodorant or their weekend plans didn’t happen quite as they’d expected.  Trust me…your day could be SO much worse.  You could be in Nashville and get a phone call from your husband telling you your precious baby quit breathing at daycare, they don’t know if he’s going to live and you need to get home as soon as you can.  That, my friends, is a bad day.  It’s one that I’ve replayed over and over in my mind hundreds of times over the past year.

So many people have told me over the past year that Carter’s death has impacted them in a positive way.  I know it’s natural that as time passes, that impact tends to lessen and people go back to their old ways.  I challenge you all to keep our experience close to your heart and to not get worked up over the stupid, silly little things.  It’s not worth it and life is too short.

Please keep Jeff and I (and our families) in your thoughts and prayers over the next couple weeks.  Although we all put on brave faces every day, we still miss that little guy so much and wish we could have him back in our arms…something I am sure will never change…