Here’s to a better year…

060We made it through the holidays on this first year without our sweet angel.  It’s been a while since I’ve written…partly because I’ve been too tired…and partly because I just haven’t been “inspired” to write much.  I’m not going to lie and tell you that we didn’t have our moments of sadness over the holidays.  Over all, I think we both did okay…we didn’t sit around and cry the whole time…I mostly enjoyed myself but there were some moments…  I will say that I thought about Carter pretty much every day all day long and missed him immensely this Christmas season.  Last year he was just about ready to turn 3 months old at Christmas.  He was just starting to get to the more fun stage where he would smile and coo and we so looked forward to this Christmas to see if he would be more interested in opening presents or breaking tree ornaments.  I wish that’s the path our lives would have taken us, but all the wishing I could do isn’t going to bring him back.  We hung Carter’s stocking over the fireplace just as we did last year.  I couldn’t bear not hanging it where it had been last year.  Jeff and I had a somewhat lengthy discussion about whether or not to send out Christmas cards this year.  I’ve always enjoyed doing that and always look forward to picking out pictures to include, but this year I decided I just wasn’t up to it.  I didn’t want to send out a card with “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” when that’s not really how I was feeling deep down.  I hope that 2013 will bring us joy and I will feel more “merry” when Christmas rolls around this year.

My most extreme moment of sadness over the holidays came on Christmas night.  Jeff and I spent Christmas Eve with my family then traveled back to KC to spend Christmas Day with his family.  As we returned home Christmas evening this rush of sadness overcame me.  I tried to hold it in because I figured it would freak Jeff out if I just started bawling out of nowhere…but I couldn’t…I was just so sad and missed my sweet Carter SO much.  It’s not fair.  I want to hold him in my arms and hug him and give him kisses and it just makes me so angry and sad that I’ll never be able to do that again.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much for next Christmas.  Baby girl should be about 9 months old by then, but I can’t think ahead that far.  I was tempted by end of holiday clearance items (girly stockings, etc.), but couldn’t bring myself to buy anything…just in case.  It’s disturbing that I think that way, but I guess that’s just how I live life right now.  I haven’t personally bought any clothes bigger than 3-6 months for baby girl.  Carter never made it to a bigger size than that, so I just haven’t been able to bring myself to get anything bigger than that (of course, we’ve been gifted those sizes, but I haven’t personally bought anything).

I was able to visit a good friend of mine in Oregon over Christmas break that had a baby girl at the beginning of November.  After many travel issues (pilots not showing up, missing connections, etc.), I finally made it to Oregon about 36 hours after my originally scheduled time.  We had a nice, relaxing time and it was so great to spend time cuddling with her sweet little girl, Kaylee.  It helped me to feel even more excited about having a baby in our house again…but at the same time, makes me realize how scared I am for the same thing to happen again.  I know statistically, it shouldn’t happen again, but crazier things have happened.  Any time I’ve been around friend’s babies, I feel myself being secretly scared to death that they are going to stop breathing.  If they’re asleep in the car seat, I want to check on them every few minutes to make sure they’re breathing.  It makes me wonder what kind of psycho I’m going to be when baby girl arrives.  One of my SIDS Mommies Facebook group friends has the “Snuza” monitor for her baby girl which clips on to the baby’s diaper and alerts you if they don’t breathe…first it vibrates after 15 seconds to try to wake/alert the baby, then an alarm goes off if it doesn’t sense movement after another 15 seconds.  We plan to get one of these for some peace of mind.  I know deep down that if something like this is destined to happen again, we won’t be able to do anything about it, but maybe this will help us to get some sleep once baby girl is home.

Baby girl is scheduled to arrive March 4 via c-section (unless conflicts with my doctor’s schedule arise and we have to reschedule).  Because Carter was the size of a two month old at birth, I requested to not have to go through that again (I’ll spare you the gruesome details), and my doctor was in agreement that would be a good course to take.  I’m SO nervous about her deciding to come early that I really can’t even talk about it.  Carter died February 18th, so the thought of her being born in February makes me want to vomit…no offense to all the people with February birthdays (including my own father)…  I know if she decides to come then, I won’t be able to do anything about it…if she’s ready, she’s ready…but I’m hopeful she will know that mommy wants her to cook until March 4th.  There is also SO much stuff I have to get done and ready at work before she comes….again, I know it will get done either way, but I would appreciate all the time I can get.  🙂

bears

I’ll leave you with this.  One of our most favorite gifts this year (at least mine) that we received shortly before Thanksgiving came from one of Jeff’s coworkers.  Not long after he passed away, she asked for some of his blankets so that she (or someone she knows) could make some teddy bears from them.  So, before Thanksgiving, she presented Jeff with four teddy bears…two of which we gave to our parents…and we kept the other two (in picture at right).  Along with the bears came a poem:

I am a Bear that should make
You happy not sad
I am made of a blanket
Your son once had

I am for you
To have and to hold
Remember good times
when you held him in your fold

 One of the blankets in use.
One of the blankets in use.

Your son is gone now
No longer by your side
But I am here waiting
With arms open wide

Just take a glance at me
Once in a while
And your son in Heaven
Will be wearing a smile.

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2 thoughts on “Here’s to a better year…

  1. Heather Taylor says:

    The blankets are so sweet! I know God has so many more blessings for you and your family! Heather Taylor

  2. Cynthia Scheer says:

    My son turned two in Sept, and I still check on him every time I wake up during the night, and every 15 minutes when he naps during the day. The worry never stops. But I hope you find joy and peace with your sweet baby girl.

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