Monthly Archives: July 2012

Time flies…

I can’t believe my summer break is almost over.  I was worried about it dragging by since I didn’t have my little man to help keep me occupied this summer, but it still flew by.  I have missed my sweet boy every day, but I have made it through.  This past Wednesday marked the 5 month mark since Carter passed away.  I thought about him all day Wednesday.  To distract myself, I went to school to hang curtains for a few hours (random task, I know, but I guess it helped keep me busy).  It’s so hard to think that he’s been gone longer than he was with us.  It just sucks.

I made a couple trips back home this week (I grew up 3 hours from Kansas City in north central Kansas).  Monday I went back to help clean out my grandma’s farm house.  She and my grandpa moved to town 4 years ago, then my grandpa passed away later that summer.  We didn’t make a lot of progress, but every little bit helps.  This week was the county fair, so I went back on Thursday to watch my 8 year old nephew Nathaniel show his cow in the fair.  Unfortunately, Molly wasn’t too cooperative for him as she was pissed because her calf wasn’t with her.  I can understand her anxiety about being away from her baby.  🙂  I realized as we went back to my parents Thursday night that I didn’t take time to check out the remainder of his entries in the fair, so I stopped by Friday morning on my way back to KC to check them out.  He made a stepping stone in memory of his sweet cousin Carter and got a blue on it.  It was so sweet of him to make it.  🙂  I’m so sad for Carter’s cousins not getting to grow up with him.  Nathaniel got to see Carter a few times which I’m so thankful for.  He’s the oldest of Carter’s first cousins, so he probably understands the most where Carter is.  His other first cousins, Lucas (4), Jack & Lily (twins that are 2), probably don’t fully understand it.  Last week we were over at Jeff’s sister’s (mommy of the 3 kiddos), and Lily saw a picture of Carter on my phone and said “that’s Carter B!”.  It melted my heart.  I guess I worry that they’ll forget about him, so I’m so glad when I hear them say his name.  Carter’s “pseudo cousins” (as we like to call them) Allie & Mollie are the oldest and I know they are fully aware of what happened and where Carter B. is.  It is hard to think about how his death might affect them now or in the future.

Jeff is out with friends this evening and I was excited to stay home and order myself a pizza and salad from Pizza Shoppe because the “Pink Stuff” salad dressing sounded delicious.  I found the movie “Something Borrowed” on HBO OnDemand, so I thought I’d watch it as I read the book and have wanted to see the movie.  Of course, stupid romantic movies like that always make me cry.  I haven’t cried (really cried) since Easter, but once the flood gates opened during this movie, I couldn’t turn them off.  I suppose that’s a good thing as I probably needed to get it all out.

I miss Carter so much.  It’s not something I verbalize very often as I think it’s probably obvious that I miss him.  I know Jeff misses him terribly too.  It’s just so hard not to think about all the things he’d be doing by now.  I’m sure he would be standing and crawling and would probably walk much sooner than we wanted him too.  I wonder if he’d like the swimming pool (although we probably wouldn’t have gone much the past few weeks because it’s too flippin’ hot).  When I see little boys that are close to his age I can’t help but think whether he’d be doing all the things they are doing.

Last month I attended a wedding of a co-worker and seated across from us at the table was a mom with her child who in my best estimation was probably 18-24 months old.  Her friends asked her how things were different now that she has a child and she said “I can’t imagine my life without him.”  I could tell my friend beside me was listening to that conversation as well because she quickly started up a new conversation with me.  I wanted to say “I can tell you what it’s like.  It sucks!  And I hope you never have to know what it’s like.”  In the couple days before the wedding I went to the salon to get my brows waxed and I saw a girl that I hadn’t seen before.  She started telling me about the customer who had been in there before and that she had lost her husband in a freak bus accident several years ago and she’s never been the same.  Then she says that she can’t imagine someone she loves just being gone all of the sudden like that.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I, of course, just went along with it because I didn’t want her to feel bad and said “yeah, I know.  I’m sure it has to be so hard.”  I realize these types of conversations will continue to take place the rest of my life and I just need to get used to it, but it’s hard to get used to being the parent of a baby that died.

Next weekend (July 28) is the Divine Run for SIDS here in KC.  I’m so excited that so many of our friends will be participating in this with us.  We are blessed to have such great friends in our lives and are so thankful that so many of them will be able to join us.  I’ll post a picture here of the participants after the walk.  I haven’t been training for it, so I’ll probably be walking most of it…and it’s probably going to be 90 degrees out at 7:30 in the morning, so I really won’t want to run because of that!

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A small step

Yesterday was Carter’s 9 month birthday.  Jeff’s family from Illinois was in town this weekend, so we kept busy with all of them.  The day didn’t go by unnoticed.  I stopped by to see Carter for a few minutes after I enjoyed some pool time with our niece, nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles.  I wish he would have been able to meet all of them.  I know he would have found hours of endless entertainment from all of them like we do.  🙂

Today was a small (or big) step for me…I helped throw a baby shower for one of our friends…and then actually went to the shower!  I say that because just days after we buried Carter, I was set to be a hostess of a shower for one of my childhood friends.  While I was SO happy for my friend, I just couldn’t make myself go.  Part of it was that I didn’t want any attention on myself and if I went people would either be really awkward or they would want to give me condolences…neither of which I wanted to happen at her shower.  Part of it was that it was a baby shower and my baby had just died.

I was so excited to be able to help with the shower today.  I did a couple little crafty projects for it that helped me to pass some time the past couple weeks.  I was comforted by the fact that everyone at the shower knew about Carter.  I didn’t have to be on edge waiting for someone to ask if I had any kids.  I felt lucky to be surrounded by such a fantastic group of friends today and while they knew today would probably be a little tough for me, they still managed to act “normal” around me which means so much to me.

Almost a year ago, this same group of friends hosted a couple’s baby shower for Jeff and I (along with a few additional friends)…it was a great time!!!  This was back when we were naive, first-time parents that just assumed we would spend the rest of our lives with our little boy.  Oh how I wish I could go back to being that naive again.  It’s hard to look too far into the future now and I hate that this has happened to us and this is how we have to live our lives.  I hope one day we can one day look to and talk about the future and not live in fear of what might or might not happen.

A Daddy’s Love…

I wrote this post on Father’s Day, but am just now posting…

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This October will mark my 4 year wedding anniversary with my husband Jeff.  In November, we will have been together for 7 years.  It seems crazy that we have know each other that long.  Since early on in our relationship, I knew that Jeff was going to be an amazing dad one day.  I would see him with our nephews and nieces early on and it melted my heart.  It seemed like all of our friend’s kids would always navigate towards him as well.  He always likes to say it’s because they don’t see him as “an authority figure” which I suppose is partly true.  🙂

We had always said that once we were married we would wait a couple years before having children just to enjoy ourselves as a couple for a while.  We did just that, and just days before our 3rd wedding anniversary, Carter Benjamin came into our lives.  From the moment I first told Jeff we were going to be parents, I knew he was going to rock at being a daddy.  At first there was a little hesitation just because of the shear magnitude of what happens when you become a parent…no more going out on Friday AND Saturday nights, no more “quick” runs to the store, no more sleeping in until 11:00 on the weekends, etc…but once the news set in, I could tell he was super excited.

A proud daddy

The day Carter was born, we were asked to arrive at the hospital by 4:30 a.m.  Jeff was ready to go, but I was running behind making sure I had everything packed that I thought I’d need and was second guessing myself as to whether or not I had everything we would want for Carter.  Needless to say, we didn’t arrive to Labor & Delivery until about 4:45 (oops).  Jeff was so supportive that morning…he mentioned how helpless he felt once my contractions finally started because there was nothing he could do for me.  He took a couple walks with me and held my hand and did whatever he could to try to help me.  The moment Carter was born, I could see the pride in Jeff’s eyes.  He was just beaming with pride at his son.  After the nurses cleaned him off and did what they needed to do, Jeff got to hold him and he was just in awe of that “little” guy.

with daddy on Halloween

In the four and a half months that followed Carter’s birth, I got to see what an amazing daddy I always thought my husband would be.  He loved to have his bonding time with him every day when he’d get home from work.  I could sense nervousness the first couple times I left for a few hours to go shopping or just have some alone time, but he always did just fine.  🙂  He was so happy to be Carter’s daddy and it showed every second he was with him.  It sounds so cliche, but seeing him as a daddy made me fall even more in love with Jeff.

Last year on Father’s Day I gave Jeff a new KC Royals shirt along with a little “My First Royals” shirt for Carter to wear at one of his first games with his daddy.  One of our favorite things to do in the summer is to go to Royals games, so we were very much looking forward to taking Carter to a handful of games this summer.  I know the last four months has been very tough on Jeff not having his little mini-me to welcome him home every day after work and not having his little guy to take to the games with us.  It has been hard for me to not be able to take that pain away (much as it has been the same for him).  During a time where so many relationships faulter, I feel like we have grown closer together.  Jeff has been such a supportive and amazing husband since Carter’s death and has been there to comfort me when I have needed it as I have tried to do the same for him.  This definitely isn’t how we expected his first Father’s Day to be.  I look forward to the day when I can see Jeff in action as a proud daddy again.  “Happy Father’s Day” to the best daddy around.

enjoying some cuddle time together