I can’t believe my summer break is almost over. I was worried about it dragging by since I didn’t have my little man to help keep me occupied this summer, but it still flew by. I have missed my sweet boy every day, but I have made it through. This past Wednesday marked the 5 month mark since Carter passed away. I thought about him all day Wednesday. To distract myself, I went to school to hang curtains for a few hours (random task, I know, but I guess it helped keep me busy). It’s so hard to think that he’s been gone longer than he was with us. It just sucks.
I made a couple trips back home this week (I grew up 3 hours from Kansas City in north central Kansas). Monday I went back to help clean out my grandma’s farm house. She and my grandpa moved to town 4 years ago, then my grandpa passed away later that summer. We didn’t make a lot of progress, but every little bit helps. This week was the county fair, so I went back on Thursday to watch my 8 year old nephew Nathaniel show his cow in the fair. Unfortunately, Molly wasn’t too cooperative for him as she was pissed because her calf wasn’t with her. I can understand her anxiety about being away from her baby. 🙂 I realized as we went back to my parents Thursday night that I didn’t take time to check out the remainder of his entries in the fair, so I stopped by Friday morning on my way back to KC to check them out. He made a stepping stone in memory of his sweet cousin Carter and got a blue on it. It was so sweet of him to make it. 🙂 I’m so sad for Carter’s cousins not getting to grow up with him. Nathaniel got to see Carter a few times which I’m so thankful for. He’s the oldest of Carter’s first cousins, so he probably understands the most where Carter is. His other first cousins, Lucas (4), Jack & Lily (twins that are 2), probably don’t fully understand it. Last week we were over at Jeff’s sister’s (mommy of the 3 kiddos), and Lily saw a picture of Carter on my phone and said “that’s Carter B!”. It melted my heart. I guess I worry that they’ll forget about him, so I’m so glad when I hear them say his name. Carter’s “pseudo cousins” (as we like to call them) Allie & Mollie are the oldest and I know they are fully aware of what happened and where Carter B. is. It is hard to think about how his death might affect them now or in the future.
Jeff is out with friends this evening and I was excited to stay home and order myself a pizza and salad from Pizza Shoppe because the “Pink Stuff” salad dressing sounded delicious. I found the movie “Something Borrowed” on HBO OnDemand, so I thought I’d watch it as I read the book and have wanted to see the movie. Of course, stupid romantic movies like that always make me cry. I haven’t cried (really cried) since Easter, but once the flood gates opened during this movie, I couldn’t turn them off. I suppose that’s a good thing as I probably needed to get it all out.
I miss Carter so much. It’s not something I verbalize very often as I think it’s probably obvious that I miss him. I know Jeff misses him terribly too. It’s just so hard not to think about all the things he’d be doing by now. I’m sure he would be standing and crawling and would probably walk much sooner than we wanted him too. I wonder if he’d like the swimming pool (although we probably wouldn’t have gone much the past few weeks because it’s too flippin’ hot). When I see little boys that are close to his age I can’t help but think whether he’d be doing all the things they are doing.
Last month I attended a wedding of a co-worker and seated across from us at the table was a mom with her child who in my best estimation was probably 18-24 months old. Her friends asked her how things were different now that she has a child and she said “I can’t imagine my life without him.” I could tell my friend beside me was listening to that conversation as well because she quickly started up a new conversation with me. I wanted to say “I can tell you what it’s like. It sucks! And I hope you never have to know what it’s like.” In the couple days before the wedding I went to the salon to get my brows waxed and I saw a girl that I hadn’t seen before. She started telling me about the customer who had been in there before and that she had lost her husband in a freak bus accident several years ago and she’s never been the same. Then she says that she can’t imagine someone she loves just being gone all of the sudden like that. Ugh. Seriously? I, of course, just went along with it because I didn’t want her to feel bad and said “yeah, I know. I’m sure it has to be so hard.” I realize these types of conversations will continue to take place the rest of my life and I just need to get used to it, but it’s hard to get used to being the parent of a baby that died.
Next weekend (July 28) is the Divine Run for SIDS here in KC. I’m so excited that so many of our friends will be participating in this with us. We are blessed to have such great friends in our lives and are so thankful that so many of them will be able to join us. I’ll post a picture here of the participants after the walk. I haven’t been training for it, so I’ll probably be walking most of it…and it’s probably going to be 90 degrees out at 7:30 in the morning, so I really won’t want to run because of that!