After the Kansas Half with coworkers Eric, Darcey & Allison.
Sorry for the hiatus the past few weeks. This time of year is really busy at school between all the tests/assessments, prom and who knows what else! I’ve had lots going on and when I get home from work, all I want to do is take a nap (please don’t be alarmed this is nothing new…I always have been and probably always will be a sleeper). And, the weekends have been crazy busy as well. A few weeks ago I ran the Kansas Half Marathon in Lawrence. I ran a half in October 2010 in Kansas City, and set the goal in January to run another one this spring. I had just started training for it when Carter passed away. Obviously I didn’t run during February or most of March, so the fact that I finished made me very happy. Not only did I finish, but I finished only 3 minutes behind the time I ran the half in 2010…this is after doing nothing much at all during the entire 2011 calendar year (yes, I used pregnancy as an excuse to do nothing…although I know I should’ve done something…), having a huge baby that my body took a long time to heal from, then losing that sweet baby to SIDS. The fact that I was able to drag my booty out of bed all those mornings and finish my goal, made me very proud of myself. I was thankful to have two coworkers to run with that day and keep my mind busy as I pounded the pavement for 13.1 miles. 🙂
I guess not a lot has changed as far as our emotional states go. We still find ourselves asking ourselves why. We still don’t understand why this happened to our sweet boy. We still miss him…every.single.second.of.every.single.day. The only thing I’ve really noticed in myself the past few weeks is that I find myself growing ever so anxious in social situations whenever the conversation about kids comes up. I’ve written before about my anxiety about strangers asking me if I have children…or people that know I had a baby asking me how he is. I need to get over it because I know it’s going to continue to happen, but it’s like a punch in the gut every time it happens. I went to a college luncheon a couple weeks ago with the other counselor from my school and we hadn’t been there for more than one minute when the college rep came up and asked how my baby was. I was VERY pregnant when she came to visit our school in September. I had thought about emailing her earlier the week of the luncheon to tell her about Carter, but I just was busy and forgot to do it. I spent the rest of the luncheon being anxious hoping the conversation about children wouldn’t come up at our table. It seems like the natural flow of conversation always tends to go to that question. People notice you’re married, then they tend to ask. I find myself walking away from conversations where I think I might be asked that question by someone that doesn’t know me. It seriously is all I think about when I’m in a social situation where I don’t know people. It’s so stupid. I shouldn’t spend that much energy thinking about it, but I can’t help it.
I try to go visit Carter once or twice a week on my way home from school. I usually don’t stay too long. I just say “hi” and spend a couple minutes chatting at him, then go home. A couple weeks ago was the first time I went with someone besides Jeff. My friend Megan had come by before we went to tour the new Mormon temple that opened near our house (no we aren’t Mormon and aren’t going to be Mormons…we just like to expand our horizons and there was a limited amount of time that non-Mormons would be able to tour the facility), and she had a stuffed animal that she wanted to take by (which she discovered her daughter took out of the car when she dropped her off before coming to our house…silly girl). Although she wasn’t outwardly emotional, I am certain that it was probably an emotional experience for her. As the mother of two, I know that she could never imagine herself here. I could never have imagined myself there either. It honestly still feels very surreal every time I go. I just can’t believe we find ourselves there. I’m glad that Megan was able to see where we go to see our sweet boy.
Sarah and I with our pregnant bellies in August 2011.
My friend that had her baby the same day Carter passed away came to Kansas City last weekend to see us. It was so great to finally hug her. We had some emotional moments (some partially induced by margaritas…again, please don’t be alarmed 🙂 …we were at a Mexican restaurant!) throughout the weekend, but it was so nice to talk face to face about what had happened. I look forward to being able to go see little RJ this summer.
With Mother’s Day approaching, I have all sorts of emotions running through my veins. I am so envious of all the mommies that get to spend Mother’s Day with their babies and are still able to hug and kiss them. I will always be Carter’s mommy, but I’m very sad that I won’t be able to spend this first Mother’s Day with my sweet boy. Jeff has asked me a few times what I want to do for Mother’s Day this year. I really don’t have an answer to the question. I’m sure we’ll do something with the family, but I anticipate that it will be an emotional day. I guess the best way to spend it is with people that will understand the emotions. My one wish for the day is that that all of my friends that are mommies will not take any second of the day for granted. Last year on Mother’s Day, I just assumed that I would be getting to spend the day with my sweet baby this year. Sometimes I feel like I took every second I had with him for granted. I just assumed I would have many years with him not just four and a half short months. I thought we’d get to spend Father’s Day, the 4th of July, my birthday, Labor Day…the list could go on and on…with him. I love(d) Carter SO much it hurt sometimes. I know that sounds so silly, but it’s so true. I think every mother could probably say that they’ve felt the same way at some point. I was (and continue to be) so excited for my friends that have become pregnant and have had babies since Carter was born. I remember when my friend Becky sat in our living room about a month after Carter born and told me she was pregnant. I cried because I was SO excited that she was going to get to experience the joy of having a child (and partly because of my crazy hormones). Her sweet little girl was born about three weeks ago. When a coworker told me of someone she knew that was struggling to get pregnant, I cried because I couldn’t imagine not getting to experience the joy of having a child. Jeff and I have been talking more and more about thinking about having another child. We are both so excited for that to happen again. Being a mommy is truly one of the best feelings one could ever imagine. It’s something you really can’t understand until it happens to you. I’m lucky I have so many memories with my little Carter. I will always be his mommy even if he isn’t here for me to hug and kiss, and I can’t wait until I can one day experience that joy and love again.