Well, we did it. We made it through our first holiday weekend since Carter passed away (well, we made it through St. Patrick’s Day weekend but it’s not an “official” holiday to all, I suppose). I’ve decided I need to stay away from Facebook around holidays, but I’m an addict so we will see how the next one goes. Saturday, Jeff and I went to visit Carter before we headed to his parent’s for Easter Eve dinner. We took him a little brown bunny and a little white lamb. Some day I will post a picture of his grave, but I just haven’t taken any pictures yet. Hopefully his permanent stone will arrive before too long and I can post a picture of that.
I don’t typically cry when Jeff and I go to visit Carter’s grave together. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it, but I don’t. I don’t feel like I have to be strong since I’m with Jeff or anything. I simply haven’t had the urge to cry when I go there with him. When I went to visit Carter by myself on his 6 month birthday, I sobbed. But when I am not alone, I hold it together. It’s strange. I felt more normal about this reaction when I was reading another mommy of an angel’s blog last night (http://www.hollejoy.blogspot.com/ … her son passed away four days before Carter). In her March 3rd blog, she talked about how she had so few tears left to cry at her son’s funeral because she had cried so much in the days before it. This made me feel so much more normal about my occasional lack of tears. I feel like people didn’t understand why I wasn’t more emotional at Carter’s service. This is why. I simply had no more tears to cry on that day and have not had them many days since (which I don’t think is a bad thing). Jeff and I both try so hard to focus on the positive and remember all the wonderful times we had with our little man and all the joy he brought us.
I ran 10 miles Sunday morning (yes, instead of going to church on Easter morning…please don’t judge). It was a beautiful morning to go for a run (or an almost two hour jog in my case). I went to visit Carter after I finished my run and sat with him for quite a while. It was so peaceful that morning. There was another mommy (I assume) visiting her little angel just a few rows away from Carter. In the distance there were several other cars at various other places in the cemetery visiting graves. I sat there and observed all these other people and just felt so sad for them and for myself. I was sad that this was how we were spending a piece of our Easter morning. I tried to tell Carter about the Easter egg hunt at grammy and boppa’s the day before and about all the eggs that Lily, Jack, Lucas, Allie & Mollie found, but I had a hard time talking to him through the tears. That’s the most I’ve cried in a while. I was feeling really sorry for us (I think I’m allowed to have a pity party for myself every now and then). I honestly am normally “okay” (as “okay” as one can be in this situation), but I have my occasional moments of sadness. All I thought about all weekend was Carter. I thought about what kind of a nerdy little outfit I would have bought him for his first Easter. I thought about whether or not he would be moving around at all on his own yet. There will always be a piece of us missing…especially these first holidays that we have to tackle since Carter’s death. We were lucky to be able to spend Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas with Carter. I have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day…I will always be his mother, but it just really sucks that I don’t have him here with me to celebrate it this year.
In my previous post, I had mentioned that I was anxious about people asking me about my sweet boy. Well, it’s happened. Three times since last week. I was getting my nails done one night last week and the girl was a “chatty Cathy”. She kept talking about kids and I kept changing the subject. Finally, she said “do you have any kids?” I asked her to repeat herself just to make sure that’s what she said. So, I told her what happened. I’ve gone over and over in my head what I would say in this instance and I know it didn’t come out how I had practiced in my mind. She, of course, felt bad, but I’m sure she went about her night after I left. I could have told her that I didn’t have any children, but I didn’t want to say that because I do. The next night, I decided I needed to get a pedicure. I apparently have nothing better to do than to pamper myself. 🙂 I have been avoiding my favorite place (Foxy Nails on Chouteau Trfwy) because they knew I had a baby. I went in there pretty much every month through most of my pregnancy to get a pedicure and a couple times since I had Carter. I needed to go there because they know how to do a pedicure right (I’ll spare you all the gross details of what they do to my feet, so we’ll just leave it at that). As I was getting ready to leave, one lady says “how is your baby?” Ugh. So, I explained what happened and couldn’t get out fast enough. After leaving there I went to Target which is right next door. As I checked out there, a lady in the checkout lane next to me had what I assume was a newborn with her that just cried and cried and cried… I couldn’t get out the door fast enough. That brings us to the third time. Yesterday there was a family visiting my school that will be moving to the area over the next few months and their daughter will be coming to Piper next year. I had them in my office for quite a while and they never asked about his pictures. After giving them a tour of the building, we came back into my office and then came the question. “How old is your baby? He’s so cute.” Ugh. So, I shut my door and explained (the short version).
I realized today that it is April 10th. That means that yesterday marked two months since Carter quit breathing at daycare. I was so busy at work yesterday that it didn’t even dawn on me that it was the 9th. This morning, I was writing a pass for a student to go back to his class and realized that today was the 10th. Part of me felt bad because I didn’t even stop to think about the fact that yesterday was the 9th. Another part of me thinks that it’s good that I wasn’t focused on that and only that all day long. There are three dates that I think about a little differently now…February 9th – the day he quit breathing. February 18th – the day he became an angel. September 30th – his birthday. I don’t want to get consumed by sad thoughts on these days, but I’m just aware of those days.
Through SIDS Resources (http://www.sidsresources.org/), Jeff and I have been connected with several families that have walked the walk that we are walking now. It has been so helpful to me to share emails with these amazing moms. I thought I’d share a couple of their blogs (since I can’t figure out how to make stupid links show up on the bottom of this site…I know, great computer teacher I must have been back in the day). These are just a couple of the blogs that I’ve read of the probably hundreds that are out there. These are both Kansas City mommies and daddies as well.
Please keep them in your prayers as well as they continue on this journey too.