Wednesday, February 15, 2012 9:30 PM, CST

The last picture I ever took of Carter on 2/6/12.

Jeff and I are so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support by our family, friends, co-workers and complete strangers during this incredibly difficult time.  We are trying to take it one day at a time and be patient with our little Carter (although it’s very difficult). It’s hard to believe that just a week ago, my biggest worry was keeping Carter from scratching himself up all over his face and keeping his dry, bumpy skin moisturized. I must admit that when I look at posts on Facebook and people are complaining about this, that or the other, I want to say “want to come switch places with me for a day?”  Funny thing is, I was that person a week ago. I am in a constant state of worry at this point. You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you’re nervous about something?  I’ve been walking around with that feeling since that day.

Jeff and I have been trying to stay strong for each other, but we have our moments where we just have to break down and ask “why?”.  It just doesn’t make sense. It isn’t fair. Why OUR baby? Our baby Carter is perfect. He’s a little big, but he’s perfect. :o) He’s happy.  He doesn’t fuss a bunch (unless he’s hungry and we all know he loves to eat). He’s a good sleeper. He smiles a lot.  He giggles when mommy tickles him under his neck or counts his ribs and when daddy bounces him on his knee.  He’s perfect.  I miss his smiles.  I miss being able to hold him.  I miss being able to tickle him.  I miss his cries.  I miss him waking me up in the middle of the night. I miss his laughs as he jumps up and down in his jump-a-roo. I miss it all so much.  We pray that Carter will be able to do all these things again.

The doctors and nurses here at CMH are amazing.  They transitioned Carter over to a team of doctors that will care for him on a long term basis.  This gives us comfort to know that they will all be “in the know” about his situation. There are many unknowns at this point.  They don’t know how long he wasn’t breathing, so they don’t really know the extent of brain damage at this point.  They are encouraged by the fact that all of Carter’s other organs are working.  He is even peeing and pooping like he should be.  When Jeff and I were in this morning, his nurse was changing his poopy diaper and I couldn’t have been more excited to see it!  Strange?  Some might say yes, but it was something “normal” for me to see.

The doctors are planning to do an MRI on Carter tomorrow (Thursday).  This may, or may not, give us more insight into the parts of Carter’s brain that were damaged when he went without oxygen.  One of the difficult things for us as his parents, is the fact that are so many unknowns.  We want our Carter back, but at this point, the doctors can’t tell us what Carter will be capable of.  All they do know is that we are in for a long wait.  A wait to see how Carter’s brain and body will heal.  This waiting game really sucks.

Today, the doctors did an echocardiogram (I don’t know how to spell it…and don’t feel like looking it up).  They are trying to figure out if he had a heart problem that caused this to happen.  We will update as we get more information.  As of this evening, the echo was inconclusive and they intend to take a closer look with the MRI tomorrow.

Please continue to pray for Carter as well as Jeff, myself and our families.  We are trying to stay positive and hopeful.  The outpouring of support from everyone is what is keeping us going right now.  There aren’t enough words to express how thankful we are for all of the food, magazines, crossword puzzles, prayers and visits.

I promise to not make all of these journal entries this long.  I thought the first one should be long.  :o)

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One thought on “Wednesday, February 15, 2012 9:30 PM, CST

  1. annapackard says:

    I think this is one of the hardest things about SIDS. We will never get a WHY to how our babies left this earth! They were healthy, chubby, happy, as you said, perfect. I am so sorry for your loss. Carter looks like such a sweet, happy little guy. Thank you for sharing him and your story.

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